


Letters

by karmy18



Category: Faking It (TV 2014), karmy - Fandom
Genre: Always, F/F, Karmy - Freeform, Letters, Soulmates, The Heart Wants What It Wants, but there is no resolution, even when it can't be explained, even when there is no place to send them, from 2015, how could it not be?, it's that something more, my heart aches for thee, when there is nothing left
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 14:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19274917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karmy18/pseuds/karmy18
Summary: This story was originally written after the conclusion of season 2 before season 3 premiered.It takes off just as Amy leaves for the summer and Karma starts to lifeguard.





	Letters

Letters

#1

Amy,

 

You’re never going to read this. I don’t even have a place to send it to.

When I went to your mom to see if she knew where to send a letter to you she gave me that look. You know that look, the “You done gone messed up, and now you’re feeling the consequences”. Before I left she gave me a hug which was weird. Everyone keeps looking at me with wide sympathetic eyes.

At least there’s lifeguarding. I’m glad I’m doing that.Shane is there too, but you probably already knew that.

He says that he doesn’t know what’s going on with you either. He threw me a bone by inviting me to his summer party next week. I have nothing better to do so I’ll probably go.

I miss you Amy. I feel so empty without you here. I keep replaying our conversation in my head. I’m sorry. So sorry. I wish that you had stayed. I wish you were here. It doesn’t feel like a real some without you here. It’s just me, only me.

I got my bed back by the way. Felix is gone. Turner is ever more pissed than usual. His face is permanently scrunched up. But I think I’m starting to get it.

It hurts you know, me being here, you being wherever you are.

I wish I could talk to you.

I wish I had the words to explain.

I wish so many things.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#2

Amy,

 

Here’s another letter that you’re never going to read. I’m starting to think of you as Carmen San Diego (minus the hat). I literally don’t know where you are. I’m trying to not follow the band, but it’s another thing I’m failing at. I keep seeing pieces of you in the random posts and pictures. It’s never you in the physical photo but I see you finding the perfect shot.I hear your voice in the posts. All I see and feel is you.

Shit, now I’m crying again. It’s like a waterfall that I can’t stop. I feel like I have no control over things. I mean I can do my job at the pool. But when I’m home and it’s just me I need you. God the other night Turner even heard me crying before I fell asleep. I heard him pause outside my door. He didn’t come in but he stood out there for who knows how long. He heard. He knew. Maybe there’s nothing to say. I fucked up. I lost you. You say its just for the summer. But I can’t shut up the voices in my head that keep saying it’s the beginning of the end.

The next morning Turner told me that Felix is going to be switched to out patient in a few weeks. He mentioned how Felix asked about you. I didn’t know what to say. I never know what to say.

Here I am. Felix is in rehab. You’re out achieving your dreams. Liam is out finding his dad.

And I’m here.

Do you miss me Amy?

Did I ruin everything?

If you give me that chance I promise I’ll make things right.

I know you’re scared. But we are not our parents. We can make this work. We can have what we’ve always talked about. Best friends, roomies, neighbors, the whole thing.

I wish you were here. I miss the feeling of your arms. The way we fit together. I miss everything.

I fucked up. I know that now.

If only you were here.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#3

Amy,

 

I went to Shane’s party. People were, I don’t know, afraid of me? They kept looking at me expecting me to jump on the table and dance.

That was a one time thing. I never want a hangover like that ever again.

Without you there it was lame. And then I didn’t even have someone to make me laugh. You weren’t there. I kept expecting you to walk around the corner.

You didn’t.

You never showed up.

I marked my calendar of when you’ll be back home. It will be the last day of summer. I’m counting down the days.

I’m pathetic. I know that. It’s nothing new. But I need something to look forward to.

Without you here I feel like I’m missing a piece of myself. You make me feel whole.

 

I had to put away the letter I started crying again. Like I said it keeps happening. I keep thinking I’ll run out of tears but it hasn’t happened yet. If it does you’ll be the first to know.

 

Okay I need to be more positive.

I’m getting tan, like really tan. Sitting in a chair outside all day will do that to you. You’d laugh at the tan lines on my back. Each of my suits have different lines so my back is like a palette of my skin tone. I guess you’ll never have to deal with a problem like that cause you reject the whole swim suit thing. But it’s entertaining to me. It’s turning into a competition between Shane and I. I know I’m going to win.

 

Lauren came to the pool a few days after Shane’s party. She brought me ice coffee. It was nice. Weird but nice. She cares?

She told me you were doing okay, that you’re constantly on the move. You’re like your dad never settling in one place.

Still no place to send these damn letters. They’re going in your box. My Amy box.

She confirmed when you were coming home. 7 weeks. 49 days.

We agreed to throw you a party. I can’t wait to see your face again. You’re going to have to tell me everything. I want to be next to you. I want to hear your voice. I want you to be here, I want things to go back to being normal.

 

Aims I miss you, and I love you.

Karma

 

#5

Amy,

 

Time keeps passing. I don’t know how. The seconds seem to drag, but another day is complete. I wonder where you are at this very moment. You live in my heart. But where are you physically?

Shit I’m sounding like my mom. They need to stop dragging me to farmers markets. By the time I’m done at the pool I’m ready to just sit and do nothing. That’s not in their agenda. My mom keeps saying my aura is dark. I don’t know what that means but she keeps saying it. It’s not like I can talk to her. The only person I want to talk to is you.

I visited Felix this week. He was really happy to see me. He asked about you. I tried to tell him about what happened but I got lost in the tears. He held me as I cried. It should have been the other way around, but you know how Felix is. He made it seem like things were okay. I know they’re not. But we both know how easy it is to fake it hoping it will make life better.

When he thanked me for coming I nearly lost it. I gave him a hug that I wished lasted for longer but he had group therapy to go too.

How’s the road life treating you? Are you getting all the snacks you can dream of? They better be feeding you well.

I wish I was there experiencing the world through your eyes. You always know how to find the beauty.

 

Love forever and ever,

Karma

 

#8

Amy,

 

Liam and Zita are a thing now. Maybe you already knew that though. The weird thing is that I’m not bothered by them being a couple. It just is. They seem happy, Liam I mean. I don’t see the person I thought I liked. He’s just a person. Someone who I have history with.

They both asked about you and once again I came up blank. Supposedly a friend of Zita’s went to one of your concerts tripping and had an absolute blast.

I had a hard time not rolling my eyes. I know you would have if you were there.

They care. We all care. I care. You don’t have to run. We’re here. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I love you Amy. We’ve been through so much, we can get through this too. Let me in. I want you. I need you. Without you I’m empty.

I do have to admit that I had peanut butter the other day. I forgot my lunch so someone gave me half of their pb&j sandwich. It was delicious. It was strange though. I could not for the life of me remember how it tasted before I took my first bite. Then it all rushed back to me. I felt guilty though. It was wrong. We’re supposed to share. It used to be that easy.

It seems like you’re gaining a following. I keep seeing the follower numbers go up. You’re making it, like I always knew you would. You’re going to do big things Amy. Don’t forget about little old me.

 

Love forever and ever,

Karma

 

#9

Amy,

 

Reagan found me yesterday as I was leaving the pool. She asked if I had time for a meal and a coffee. I didn’t know how to say no, no matter how fucking weird that was.

She didn’t ask you how were doing. She didn’t even mention the tour. Reagan’s like some gay guru. My Mom would love her.

She told me that you needed time. That you were trying to get your shit together. She left out how I didn’t have the opportunity to be there for you.

She knows you’ll be back in a month.

Everyone knows.

She stared at me like everyone did at the beginning of the summer. I thought I had shaken free of that. She didn’t say it though. She didn’t say how much I had hurt you. She knew that I knew.

I would do anything to take that pain away. I never meant to hurt you. It physically hurts me to think about that.

I’m sorry. I’ll keep saying it until you believe it.

One month.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#13

Amy,

 

I think I’m starting to get it. Why you had to run. You needed to escape. I forced you into that situation. I hate myself for it.

I wish I could sing you a song. It would be that OneRepublic song, Come Home, the one that made you cry when we listened to it but we never said anything about it. Maybe when you come home I’ll play it for you. Felix heard me practicing it. He knew it was for you. He didn’t hide his tears.

We share a bed now. It’s not weird. It probably should be weird. He needs someone. I need someone. We’re both wishing it was you.

You’re out there on the road. Do you sleep well at night? Do they let you keep a light on?

Felix whimpers and cries out in his sleep. It wakes me up. I haven’t really slept well since you left. I’m always restless. I’m waiting for you.

I hold him, Felix I mean. The first morning when we woke up he was embarrassed. But he’s gotten over it. He told me that in rehab it was always noisy. The house according to him is too damn quiet. Last night, this morning, I woke up to him holding me. He told me I was crying out for you. It was the first night I slept through without waking up. Having someone physically present does something. I still wish it was you.

We’re working on your welcome home party. It’s going to be small. You, Lauren, Felix, Liam (and Zita), Shane, Reagan, Me. The people who care, the people who want you here in Austin.

We’ve stayed put as you’ve gone on your travels. Are you going to be that same Amy that left and got on the bus? Have you changed without me? We’re supposed to grow together. I still want that. Don’t you?

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#17

Amy,

 

I fell on the deck of the pool. I cut open my knees and my palms. I just wanted to lay there, revel in the pain. Shane came up to me genuinely concerned. He helped me up and insisted on cleaning the scraped and putting bandaids over them. It was strange. He reminded me that he cared. And Aims? I could see he wasn’t lying. He was scared for me. How could I insist I was okay, when I know I’m anything but?

He’s invited himself into planning your party. Lauren and I had to nix all of his plans for some huge blow out. That’s not what you need to come home to. Especially considering what happened last time.

It’s just going to be a few of us. Even your mom’s getting excited. She misses you. I also think she not so secretly is happy you have other friends who aren’t me.

It’s really happening. Lauren said you’ll be home around lunch or afternoon. The party will be that night.

She doesn’t really tell me what’s going on. She says you’re okay, that’s it.

I need to see for myself. I need to see you to know. I need to hold you to know and feel you’re that same person.

I’m a fucking mess but you’ve known that longer than anyone else.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#19

Amy,

 

One week. Then I get to see your beautiful face. I’m craving you.

Felix found your box. He saw all the envelopes with your name on them. They’ve really added up. He said it wasn’t healthy. But when have I been ‘healthy’? That’s not even in my vocabulary. At this rate it never will be. He wasn’t satisfied with my answer but he understood it. We’re both twisted. That’s why we fit.

Reagan stopped by again at the end of my shift. She’s not careful around me like everyone else. She knows the damage I caused. She’s not going to treat me any differently. I like that about her. She’s real. I see what drew you two together. I’m the one who came in between, aren’t I? I keep doing that to you. It’s never my intention. But time tells the truth. I hurt you Amy. It’s never on purpose. But that’s what I do.

I had to use my mom’s stupid deep breathing skills that she’s always trying to get us to do when Zita asked if I was going to ask you out when you came home since I quote unquote totally love you. She couldn’t eat those words even though she tried.

Liam tells her everything. Except how I messed up. I’m the reason you ran. She didn’t know that. I don’t want her to. It’s painful to admit to myself. It would be like coughing up shards of glass to admit it aloud.

7 days.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#21

Amy,

 

You’re coming home tomorrow. This time twenty-four hours from now we’ll be in the same room.

You were right we could survive a summer apart. I want to be mad at you for running away. You left me here. There’s so much I want to say to you. I don’t know if you want to hear it though. We’re supposed to be honest with each other. When did that stop? When did we stop being us, Karma and Amy, Amy and Karma? We had a plan. Do you remember that/ Best friends forever. Roommates in college. Houses next door to each other. Do you still want that?

I need you Amy. I know you don’t want to hear that. But I need you. My heart couldn’t take it if you ran again.

I need you and I want you.

One more day.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#22

Amy,

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was restless. Felix held me tight, in an effort for me not to constantly wake him up. He was grouchy when I woke up for work. Hopefully he’ll go back to sleep while I’m at work. I swear half the night I was up staring at the nothingness hoping, praying, wishing for us.

Lauren gave me a heads up that the band is going to be there tonight. She told me the girls were nice. I have their names and faces memorized from all of your posts. I’m not looking forward to them. I’m looking forward to you Amy. You are everything. You always have been. You always will be.

 

Reagan asked me what I was going to say to you. I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. I just want to see you in the here and now, sharing the same air.

I didn’t tell her all of that but she probably knows. She didn’t push it. Knowing me it was written across my face.

I’m going to see you soon. It’s all been leading up to this.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

#24

Amy,

You’re home but I’m still going to write this, it’s the only place I can say it.

When I saw you I froze, I fucking froze. You got a tan. You have muscles now. I guess all that time carrying gear on tour paid off. Before your eyes found me you looked relaxed. When you found me you got all stiff. Your eyebrows came together, you withdrew into yourself. You hid from me. All the band girls turned to look at me. I felt their eyes burrowing into me saying the same thing, “It’s you.”

They were polite to me, don’t get me wrong. But they watched. They knew more than they said. It was like they wanted something from me. Was I supposed to apologize in front of everyone and say I’m a major fuck up and I ruined everything?

You kept space and people between us the entire night. The closest we got is when you hugged me good night. You were my Amy in that moment. There was nothing in between us. I felt you sink in to me for that small moment.

When we broke apart you looked at me. It was like you held the world in your eyes.

You stopped yourself. What did you want to say? What was it you wanted to tell me?

Felix had his hand on the small of my back the entire walk home. He guided me. He knew my pain, my struggle.

We have school tomorrow. We’ll see each other. We have class together. But it will be anything but normal.

I missed you Amy. I hope you know that. You have my heart.

 

Love you forever and ever,

Karma

 

\---

 

Felix had been paired with Amy for their English project. That’s why Amy was their in there room.

Turner had been all sorts of different since Felix had his repeat stay in rehab. He willfully ignored the fact that Karma and Felix shared a bed. The less he knew the better. But Felix was transparent about the fact he was sleeping better then he had in years. Turner wanted whatever was better for his son. He was learning how to turn a blind eye. Look how far absolutes had gotten him in the past. He was taking that necessary step back. He cared more than every. He was trying to be his best for Felix’s best.

That’s how Amy and Felix were alone in the house working on a project. They were in his room, Karma’s old room, the room she had been sleeping in since the night Amy had left. Amy could smell Karma on the sheets. She wanted to say something. But what could she say? When she left she forfeited some sort of right over Karma.

Felix had left Amy alone to spend the twenty or so minutes for him to go back to school and pick up his dad. He was aware of what he was doing leaving Amy alone in the house. Part of him wanted to tell her but it wasn’t his role. It was up to her.

Amy was guilty of snooping. She found Karma’s Amy box sitting in the closet. It wasn’t even hidden. Amy could have used the lame excuse that she wanted her blue sweater back. That would be a lie, she saw the letters, all the letters, addressed to her.

She didn’t hear the front door close or the tired heavy footsteps treading down the hallway.

She snapped out of whatever alternative state she was in when Karma spoke her name.

Amy stopped. Her back was to Karma. She didn’t have to see her to feel her prescience.

Amy now heard Karma’s footsteps as she approached her.

Karma saw Amy with the open letters in her hands.

She was caught. They were both caught.

Her voice was missing any edge. “Amy what are you doing?”

She sat there. The letters clutched in her hand. The blush growing up her neck ready to explode on her cheeks.

Karma asked her again.

The words tasted like rust. “Where you ever going to send them?”

Karma was speechless. Amy was the one who was prying. Those letters were Karma’s.

Amy started to walk away. She made it to the door before Karma’s anger caught up with her. She felt a hot hand wrap around her wrist stopping her. “Don’t run away from me Amy.”

Amy’s heart skittered.

She wanted to die on the spot. “Please don’t do this.”

Karma couldn’t control her voice. It rang out in the room ricocheting down the hallway. “Stop running from me Amy. You are not your dad. You are not this person.”

Amy turned to her with tears in her eyes. “Tell me who I am then.”

Karma’s voice trembled. “You are kind. You are loving. You don’t leave. You’re one of the good guys. You stay.” Her voice cracked making Amy shutter. “You’re my family Amy. You’re supposed to be here I need you to be here. Do you even know what it was like this summer?”

Karma’s sobs wrecked Amy. She begged her to stop.

They were both weeping over their relationship, what they used to be, and the remains of what they had turned into.

Felix and Turner had heard the girls the moment they had walked in the door. They stayed out of it. Felix knew what he had caused. At this point he couldn’t feel bad about it. Everyone deserved a resolution.

Somehow both of them were on the ground huddled against the bed, their throats raw, and their hearts bleeding.

They looked at through red swollen eyes.

Karma was the first to say something. “I guess we’re doing this.”

Amy nodded in agreement.

Karma wiped at her eyes, staring at the letters sitting in a heap in the middle of the floor. “I didn’t have anywhere to send them.”

“We were practically in a different city every night.”

“Amy.”

“I know. I know.”

“You were off the grid, at least to me. You were building a following. And I was here, all summer. You always knew where I was.”

Amy took a sharp breath. She had nothing left. “It wasn’t easy. I used to cry myself to sleep. Janelle the singer started to sing to me. It made me think, it let me fool myself that you were there.

“It’s messed up but it worked. I missed you more than anything. We kept going to all these cities and all I thought about was what you would have thought if you were there with me.

“I saw you everywhere I couldn’t escape. Part of me didn’t want to.”

Karma cooed her name.

“No, it’s pathetic, I left you. I took a break from us but I couldn’t give up. It was always you.”

They sat their in the aftermath unsure and afraid to trigger any after shocks.

“I’m sorry Karma.”

Karma reached for Amy’s hand giving it a squeeze, letting her know that she felt it too.

“Where do we go from here?”

Karma didn’t know the answer but she knew that they were there, together in the present moment. They were back to being a we. They could grow back to being Karma and Amy, best friends forever, soul mates.


End file.
